Show Recaps

I’m Faster. I’m Smarter. I Always Win.

Slow clap for you MTV. Paura might be the greatest thing to come from tonight. This first episode was fucking brilliant. A sick first challenge, our favorite Vets back on our screen, and Amanda being the last pick couldn’t have made us any happier. 34 “Reality Titans” competing for $1,000,000. Add TJ Lavin and there is no better combination for reality TV.

This season truly looks like “soldiers about to go to war.” No better way to start the season then smacking the fresh meat in the face with Challenge RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE. “Impending Dune” was a gnarly way to start the season. Who is going to start EARNING THEIR STRIPES? Welp, it sure as hell wasn’t Josh or Liz… C’mon Big Brother – how can you not outsolve a bunch of people from dating shows…

“Fool are you crazy? Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am?” Chase had a HORRIBLE first episode. Not only did this man try to wrestle a ball from Roy Lee the barber, but he is a *Drum roll please* STAGE 5 CLINGER. Please do us all a favor… Stay.Away.From.Nany.Gonzalez. #TeamBanany

“Turbo can stare at me for a good 30 seconds and my neck would break”… can’t say you’re wrong Kyle. #TeamTurbo

And Kyle… we love you but if you’re trying to take Paulie out, PLEASE FINISH THE EASY PUZZLES.

Da’Vonne and Paulie… I am IMPRESSED. Two big brothers win… two big brothers lose… what is going on here? No shock to see Bananas finishing 2nd for the vets and Ninja finishing first for the prospects, BUT WES – my dude WHAT HAPPENED? It could have been worse I guess, you could have fallen on the dunes like BOTH of the Nolan Twins, and at least you didn’t break your arm (poor Alan, I’m seriously sad about this).

Ashley Cain, the dude looks like a fucking beast, and that “gorillas eat bananas” quote was actually kind of scary. This guy might look pretty dumb but his buddy Bear actually is dumb. How can you take Da’Vonne over THE QUEEN CARA MARIA are you serious??? Please walk yourself out the door now because your chances of winning this thing just went down the drain. We’ll talk about the rest of these picks later…

I thought this was common knowledge but “it’s hard to solve a puzzle when you’re evil.” Amanda, you were spared… SPARED. Here’s to hoping you go home first, and…. never return to the show ever again.

I wasn’t really about Theo from the “basic training” episode but man are we proud of you. Anyone who tells Ashley she sounds like Eminem’s Mom has to have some better moments coming up.

Real quick… WERE KAM & LEE HIDING THEIR RELATIONSHIP OR HOW DID WE MISS THIS?

Let’s get to these teams real quick- TJ Why did you let the rookies pick? They made some TERRIBLE DECISIONS @Bear and every one of you that didn’t take Zach in the top 5 for men.

-Bananas & Morgan – Scary
-Turbo & Nany – Scary
-Zach & Zahida – HOW THE FUCK WAS ZACH THE LAST PICKED
-Cara & Theo – Theo making Amanda he was gonna pick her was the greatest.
-Wes & Dee – Oh Dee…. what have you gotten yourself into

-Paulie & Ninja – legit
-Ashley & Chase – if they make it more than 3 weeks…
-Ashley C and Cam – watchout
-Kyle & Mattie Lynn – They were made for each other
-CT & Julia – definitely a step up from Veronica
-Jenna & Gus – you made the right decision pal
-Amanda and Josh – go home
-Hunter & Georgia – Betting on this being a relationship
-LeRoy & Shaleen – Darkhorse team
-Da’Vonne & Bear- Good luck…
-Natalie & JP – Darkhorse team

That’s a wrap for this week. If you’re not hyped about this season… than I trust you less than a woman should trust Paulie Califiorie.

WAR OF THE WORLDS IS HERE. SEASON 33. BANANAS, WES, NANY, CT, LEROY. LETS GO BABY.

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